Gordon finally summons up the courage to tell John what happened on the beach.
“John?”
Gordon tentatively poked his head around the door and spotted his brother curled up in the window seat.
He waved absently at Gordon, eyes not leaving the book he was reading. Gordon took that as an invitation and sat opposite him, nestled against the bookshelf. John didn’t say anything, still frowning at the text and so Gordon waited quietly, brooding as he stared out the window at the waves crashing on the rocks below.
John finished his chapter and looked up at Gordon in surprise. “Now I know something’s wrong,” he said, putting his book to one side. “Normally I’d be having to fend you off within a minute.”
Gordon shrugged. “I’ve been putting this off for months. Still not sure how to talk to you about this.”
“Okay,” said John slowly, looking more alarmed with every word he heard. “Look, I can get Scott or Virgil to help if you need, I’m not really sure that–”
“Penelope kissed me,” Gordon blurted out. John’s mouth hung open in astonishment and he found himself lost for words.
“It didn’t mean anything, you have to know that, John,” said Gordon, desperately. “Not to her, she wouldn’t do that to you, it was just on the cheek.”
“Hold on, what?” John looked more than a little confused by Gordon’s confession.
Gordon took a deep breath. “Lady P kissed me. She didn’t mean anything by it, but I don’t think she knew what it meant to me.”
“Why would I care if Penny kissed you on the cheek?” asked John, still looking utterly bewildered. “She kisses me on the cheek.”
“Exactly,” exclaimed Gordon, feeling worse by the second. “Even though the two of you are super happy together – and she’d never jeopardise that, John, you know she wouldn’t – I’m so sorry but I have this massive crush on her and I don’t want to hurt you but I thought I could handle it and I just can’t.”
Gordon wasn’t sure when he began pacing but his chest is heaving with emotion when he looks back at John and his brother was still just sitting there, frozen and perplexed and uncomfortable. Gordon wanted to shake him.
Silence reigned for a moment and then John unfolded himself from the seat. Gordon watched him with bated breath, unsure of how his brother would respond to his admission that he had been mooning after his girlfriend. Scott would have punched him by now, and Virgil would have stormed away. John merely crossed the room and closed the door before turning back to face him with folded arms.
And then he sighed, looking down at the floor and lifting a hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose.
“I’m going to murder Scott,” he muttered, his voice quiet but distinct. He looked back up at Gordon, and Gordon realised John has been putting off this conversation almost as long as he has. Only, he’s not quite sure what conversation they’re having anymore.
“Look, Penny isn’t my girlfriend. I know I’ve told you that before,” he said. “If you want to ask her on a date, go ahead, it won’t bother me.”
“But,” said Gordon, who was now very confused. “Scott said that–”
“Scott doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” said John, bluntly. “Look, Gordon, Scott wants the best for us. He’s just not very good at recognising that what makes him happy isn’t always what makes the rest of us happy.”
Gordon was silent for a moment, re-evaluating his time with Lady Penelope in light of this information.
“So, you’re not dating her,” he said and John let out a small noise of irritation. “No, I hear you, I’m just… trying to understand.”
At this, John relaxed. “She’s my best friend,” he offered with a smile. “But no, we’re not dating. Never was and never will be.”
“But she makes you so happy,” said Gordon.
John shrugged. “Our relationship is complete as is. There’s no such thing as “more” for me, all I want is a friend.”
“But don’t you feel lonely?” The words leave Gordon’s mouth without his permission and he winces as they hit their mark.
“No,” said John. “Why would I be lonely?”
“I am,” said Gordon, looking away from his brother. He could feel embarrassment clawing away at his heart to admit it to his brother, wished he could take back the words. The surprise on John’s face compelled him to explain, quiet and a little shamed. “I love my friends and you guys are the greatest and I love getting to see people all the time. But I get lonely all the same.”
He felt a hand fall on his shoulder and looked up into John’s kind eyes.
“Gordon, I’m sorry you feel lonely. And thank you for worrying after me. But please don’t make the same mistake as Scott. We’re different, you and I, and I’m glad for it. Penny talks the same way sometimes and I can’t help but feel grateful that I don’t have the same problem.”
“Yeah, you’re too much of a perfectionist to have any problems like us mere mortals,” said Gordon with a hesitant half-smile. The statement is a gamble, an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. He still only half understands what John is telling him, but he can sense that as confident as John appears, the terror of rejection still weighs heavily on him as any of them. It’s just a different kind of rejection that plagues him.
It worked.
“Excuse you, I have problems,” said John, rolling his eyes. Gordon spotted the slight upturn of his lips and relaxed.
“Like what? Mosquitos?”
“Nosy brothers, for one thing,” he retorted, and the tension in the room breaks. Gordon laughed, clear and bright, and John reluctantly pulled up the corner of his mouth to smile at the sight.
“So, do you know if Penelope like me?” asked Gordon hopefully. “I mean you’re her best friend, she’d tell you that right?”
“She might tell me, but you’re going to have to use the old-fashioned method,” said John, leaning down to pick up his book. “Go away and find out.”
Gordon gave a cheery wave as he left the room, which John ignored. His thoughts were whirling around his head, reeling at the untold truth his brother had shared. It was what John didn’t say that usually held more significance that what he did. And John had not once, discouraged Gordon from action, nor denied the possibility of reciprocation.
That had to count for something, among the soft looks, the giggles and the flushed cheeks. That had to count, when held up against a kiss.
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