Gordon feels hurt and confused when John pushes him away after returning from a rotation on TB5.
John was so rarely on Earth these days and Gordon could feel a grin threatening to crack his face as he raced towards his brother. He reached out to grab his brother’s arm, to drag him down to his level and show John how he’d been missed. John wasn’t prepared for Gordon’s weight, fresh out of orbit and peering blearily around the room, so instead they crash to the ground together. Gordon didn’t mind and he laughed at the squawk he managed to pull from John on the journey down.
“Get off me,” said John irritably and he pushed Gordon away.
Scott reached down and hoisted John up with an easy-going laugh and an outstretched hand. Virgil clasped John’s shoulder in friendly greeting and Gordon felt a twinge of jealousy from the floor as John reach out and ruffle Alan’s hair.
When John had stumbled his way towards his room and his siblings wandered off to other areas of the house, Scott sat down next to Gordon who hadn’t moved.
“Come on squid,” he said with a sigh. “You know not to crowd John like that on his first day.”
Gordon could feel a pout start to form and swallowed his indignation. His jaw jutted out and he carefully avoided Scott’s gaze.
“Yeah, my bad,” he muttered, trying not to play back that moment when John was willing to tolerate everyone’s touch but his own.
Later, John will creep into Gordon’s room with a Celery Crunch Bar and an unformed apology on his lips, and Gordon will accept them both. John will sidestep the proffered hug and neither of them will speak, each as bewildered as the other by the actions they observe.
***
Gordon might have accepted John’s apology, but he hadn’t let the matter go just yet. He was well aware of the differences between himself and his older brother, the two polar opposites of personality on their family’s spectrum. He knew it shouldn’t irk him that John had now brushed off contact with him twenty-seven times in the last week. But Gordon had also been watching him closely and he’s seen John tolerate, if not outright welcome Virgil and Brains’ intrusion into his personal space. When Scott sat on top of John’s long limbs, dangling off the end of the couch, John had merely rolled his eyes, pulled out his legs and casually propped his feet up on Scott’s shoulder. He’d flicked the page of his book and continued reading, unaware of Gordon’s mounting envy. And when Alan had fallen asleep in the middle of breakfast after a long rescue, it had been John who had volunteered to put him to bed. Gordon had snuck up and watched, as John serenely stroked his little brother’s hair through the tossing and turning, with a melancholy ache in his gut. When Alan shot up with a gasp and instinctually clung to John, Gordon found himself having to turn from the unbearable intimacy of John holding Alan close.
So, Gordon had plenty of evidence the despite everyone’s belief, John didn’t actually have an invisible bubble surrounding him to deflect all forms of physical contact. Gordon flipped over in the pool and floated gently in the water. He sighed and closed his eyes. Just a problem with me then, he thought gloomily to himself. It would be typical that his siblings wouldn’t even recognise that he’d been shut out without any hope of entry in their brother’s life.
“What are you moping about out here?” asked a voice from the pool side.
Gordon opened his eyes to see Virgil silhouetted by the bright sunlight above him. “Nothing,” he said as he manoeuvred himself into an upright position, treading water casually.
Virgil snorted. “Don’t give me that, I’ve been watching you floating and sighing for the last fifteen minutes.”
“That’s a little weird Virg,” said Gordon.
“Got it,” said Virgil. “Classic avoidance technique, do not engage, not my problem.” He splashed water at Gordon as he sat down at the pool’s edge, hoping for a rise.
Gordon swam to the other side of the pool.
“Real mature,” called Virgil. “Get your ass over here before I haul Scott into this.”
Gordon groaned and propelled himself back towards Virgil. “Low blow bro,” he said, hauling himself out of the pool and staring moodily at the water.
Virgil waited, humming a little as he watched the gulls soaring overhead.
“It’s John, okay?” said Gordon.
“Mm hmm,” said Virgil. “What did he do?”
“He,” Gordon began before pulling himself up short. He knew John hadn’t actually done anything, that was half the problem. “He’s just being John I s’pose.”
Virgil looked at Gordon strangely. “I thought you were both getting on pretty well actually. You’re mad that you’re not arguing?”
Gordon shook his head. “Well, no, obviously not, I like that we’ve been getting on better. Or at least I thought we were.” He sighed again, well aware that his bout of self-pity would not garner any sympathy from Virgil. “He barely even gives me the time of the day. It’s like he’s decided he can’t be bothered to deal with me and I’ve been relegated to a problem for a future John to puzzle out.” He kicked at the water suddenly. “It just feels like he’d be having a better holiday if I weren’t around.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Virgil. “It’s John. It’s a mandatory holiday and I know for a fact that as much as John loves us, he’d rather be back up on Thunderbird Five. He’s always antsy down here, he’s never been one to sit back idly while we head off to do rescues.”
“That’s not what I meant,” said Gordon. “At least he can stand to touch you.”
A great chasm stretched between them in the silence, its immensity weighing on Gordon until it felt like he couldn’t breathe. Virgil reached across it like the gap wasn’t even there to pull Gordon in close. Gordon closed his eyes and breathed in the certainty of a brother who stood with him and knew what he needed.
“You need to talk to John,” said Virgil quietly. “I know its not your instinct, and it’s not his either. But he’ll listen to you if you tell him what you need.”
***
In the end it’s John who finds Gordon, wandering down to the hangar to see if he needed any help with the maintenance checks of Thunderbird Four. Gordon gives him a running list of tools and to his surprise, John doesn’t argue. They work in companionable silence for a time, Gordon calling out a name and John handing him the corresponding tool.
Gordon breaks first as John must have known he would.
“Are you here for a particular reason John?” he asks, straightening up and stretching.
John shrugged and avoided his gaze. “Not really. Just thought you could use a hand.”
Gordon waited expectantly.
“And we haven’t hung out much and I’m heading back into to orbit soon,” said John. “And contrary to popular belief, I do actually miss being around you guys when I’m up there.”
Gordon’s mouth thinned. “Virgil put you up to this,” he said flatly.
“What?” said John, looking genuinely startled. “Not at all.”
“Yeah, that’s really funny John,” Gordon said, a bitter tone creeping into his voice. “That bastard is such a meddler.” Gordon shook his head and turned to stomp towards the door only for a hand to reach out and grab his sleeve.
Gordon and John both looked at John’s hand in surprise and then at each other. John lightened his grip and gestured to a couch, nestled in the corner of the hangar.
“Let’s talk,” he said before flopping onto the couch.
Gordon followed him hesitantly and perched on the arm by John’s head.
“You’ve been avoiding me,” said John without preamble. “You’re normally a lot more you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Gordon. “You’re the one avoiding me!”
“On every other visit home, you’ve planned out my entire holiday and been in my space virtually all day every day,” said John. “This time, I’m lucky to see you once a day. Avoidance.”
Gordon kicked his leg along the side of the couch. “You’ve been busy,” he said.
John suppressed a laugh. “Yeah, real busy,” he said with a familiar note of sarcasm. “Did you know Scott won’t even let me listen to mission comms during rescues? And no one will let me do anything because ‘I’m on holiday’. Virgil actually locked me out of the workshop because I was apparently getting underfoot.” John looked over at Gordon. “It’s been a nightmare.”
Gordon cracked a smile, but it was fleeting.
John nudged his knee. “And then there’s that.” He said. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re not very happy.”
“It’s stupid,” said Gordon automatically.
“But it is something,” said John quietly. “I know I’m not the first choice of brothers, but you can talk to me.” He gave a wry grin. “And with my access to virtually everything of interest revoked, you even have a decent shot of having my full attention.”
Gordon deliberated for a few minutes, and John lay still and quiet.
“Everyone says you don’t do physical contact,” Gordon says. “You definitely don’t with me. But I’ve been watching and that’s just not true so it feels like I’ve upset you in some way. Have I?”
John is silent for a few seconds. Gordon knows his brother, knows he will be carefully planning his next few words.
“I don’t do physical contact like you do Gords,” he says slowly. “But I would have thought you were the first to understand that not everyone does things the way you do.”
“Well, yeah,” says Gordon. “But you’ve not touched me at all, and I’ve seen you with the others. Virgil is in and out of your space constantly, Alan after that rescue. It just makes me feel,”
“Lonely,” finished John. He sighed and tilted his head up to look at Gordon. “Do you know what Earth feels like after an extended period in space? Do you know what it feels like on your skin?”
Gordon shook his head. Oh, he’s gone into space, but not for the sort of time that John is talking about.
“When your skin doesn’t have to resist against anything, not even your clothes, it weakens,” said John. “Part of the reason, I don’t like coming back is because even with all our technology, we can’t beat the fact that humans are not designed for space. I have rashes all over just from wearing clothes, and every unexpected touch makes my skin feel like it’s on fire because my nerves have forgotten how to react properly.”
“That’s horrible,” said Gordon. He reaches out for John and then freezes.
John looked at his outstretched arms with a sad smile. “And look at your instincts,” he said. “No wonder you think I’m upset with you.”
He reached up an arm and gently pulled Gordon’s hand down to rest lightly on his shoulder.
“I’m not upset with you Gords,” he said quietly. “It’s just that you’re like the sun, never do anything by half, and I can’t always handle that. But you and I can teach each other about what we need, right?”
Gordon nodded and slid down to the floor. He rested his head against John’s arm and exhaled slowly. “Is this alright Johnny?”
John said nothing and smiled.
“Good,” said Gordon. “Because I don’t want you flinching away from me for the rest of your holiday.”
John yawned. “Just give me a heads up and listen if I say to back off. That’s what the others do.”
“Even Scotty?”
John swatted at him in response as Gordon laughed.
***
Gordon looked up at the sound of the siren indicating the approach of the space elevator.
“John’s home,” called Alan as he raced past the door.
Gordon grinned and followed him to meet their tall, tired brother.
“Hey guys,” he says, allowing Scott to shake his hand and reaching out to ruffle Alan’s hair. He spots Gordon hovering in the doorway and strides over to him. Gordon stands perfectly still as John reaches out to lightly touch his shoulders and grin affectionately at him. “Good holiday planned out for me?”
“You bet,” said Gordon with a grin.